Drain Bamage
by Lynnryo
Summary: What's this? Ed lives in an apartment with Envy! AU, obviously. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1: People in the Cell Phone

A/N: My brother has funny thoughts. Thank you brother for you're insane mind!

Disclaimers: Not even the idea is mine. T.T

READ THIS! Envy and Edward are living together in an apartment. Obviously an alternate universe crackfic. This really has no real plot, just go with it. ;

---

Envy had officially gone crazy. He sat at the kitchen table, staring murderously at Edward's cell phone. It was then that Edward decided to stop watching Oprah and walk into the kitchen, where he saw Envy about to stab his cell with a butcher knife. With some quick use of his alchemy, he rescued it just in the nick of time.

"What the hell are you doing!" Shouted the blond, cradling the phone to his chest.

Envy stood up with a flourish, the chair he'd been sitting on clattering to the floor noisily. "You need to let them go!" Replied the Sin fervently, "you're a terrible person, Edward! You're worse than I am!"

With a confused glare, Edward asked, "What is _wrong_ with you?"

The Sin glared back, circling Edward to the right as if he were fighting him. "You know what I'm talking about, Ed. Don't deny it."

Edward pocketed his phone and threw up his hands in exasperation. "You need help, Envy."

"And you need to grow, shorty," retorted the Sin.

Edward started screaming about how he was not so short you couldn't even see him over a dustbunny, and Envy took that as his chance to snag the alchemist's cellphone. He pried open the battery case and, upon not finding what he was looking for, he tried to smash it on the floor.

Once again, Edward rescued his cell phone from the hands of the demented homunculus.

"LET THEM OUT!" Screamed the Sin hysterically, scrabbling at Edward desperately. The blond boy managed to push the insane man away as it suddenly dawned on him. Envy thought that there were people inside his cell phone.

"There are no people inside my phone, Envy," panted the alchemist, thoroughly out of breath from fighting off his roommate.

With a look that would wither plants, Envy pouted. "Yes there are. I heard them."

Edward sighed and picked up the chair Envy had knocked over earlier, motioning for the magenta-eyed Sin to sit. The Sin did as Edward bid, if only because he was curious about the cell phone.

The alchemist tried to explain to Envy how cell phones worked, but only managed to make the man more confused.

"So, the radio waves come out from that thing, and into someone else's thing and you can talk to them?" Asked Envy apprehensively. When Edward nodded, Envy asked, "but what about the voice I heard earlier?"

A dull _thunk_ was the sound made from Edward's forehead striking the wood of the table. "Envy, you didn't hear voices. That was someone on the other end."

"But ... I didn't open it. I didn't even touch it," he whined in response.

With a sigh, Edward handed the phone to Envy. "Prove it."

The homunculus grinned like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland and pried open the cell phone to expose the circuit board. And, amazingly, inside was a tiny little man. He had a hat over his face and his hands laced behind his head and he was sleeping.

"See! I'm not crazy, Ed!" Shouted the excited homunculus, pointing to the tiny man sleeping on the circuit board. Edward stared, all the colour drained away from his face, utterly amazed and shocked to no end.

"Shhh!" said the little man, peeking out from under his hat, "I'm trying to sleep!"


	2. Chapter 2: Website Catastrophe

A/N: Whoo! I have re-discovered the joys of writing a crackfic! Also, a note on the I've never been there, I don't recommend it, don't blame me if I suck. (Note: It's probably not a real site, but the idea came from Dane Cook and his family watch dog [dot (com, org or net, I can't remember).)

Disclaimers: Arakawa-sensei owns Edward and Envy and all those other guys, and my brother owns most of the story-plot. Not that there's much of a plot to begin with.

---

Edward had seen something on TV. It was a site called Rapist Finder, a site where you type in your address and it tells you how many sex offenders were in your area. It sounded kind of fun, so Edward had made up his mind that he was going to check it out. As he typed in the url, Envy slammed the door to the apartment, obviously upset about something.

As the front page popped up, Envy's arms laced themselves loosely around Edward's neck. "What'cha doing?" He inquired in an exhausted tone.

Edward shrugged off the Sin and muttered something about looking something up. With a noncommittal shrug, Envy sauntered off, having lost interest. Reading the instructions, Edward typed in his address, thinking that maybe only eight or nine red dots would show up in the area around the apartment.

Boy was he wrong.

His little green dot seemed to be swarmed by a sea of red. Eyes wide, Ed tried to count how many red dots were on his apartment alone. Scrolling down to get a better view, Edward saw that not only were most of the apartment numbers listed, but his _own _was on the list.

Edward whacked his brains to try and figure out if he'd ever been pegged for a sexual offence.

"E-Envy?" called Edward, having no memory of every being arrested for anything other than vandalism or starting an uproar.

"Yeah?" replied the Sin, his mouth full of the toast he'd just half-successfully made himself.

"Have .. Have you ever been put in jail for any kind of .. Er .. Sexual offence?"

With a loud, dry swallow, Envy shook his head and pulled up a chair next to Edward. "Why?"

The blond quickly minimized the window. "Nothing!" he replied, a little too quickly.

Curious, the green haired one shoved Edward off his chair and maximized the window. He cocked his eyebrow at the boy inquiringly when he managed to disentangle himself from the chair and quickly exited, slapping away the homunculi's hand.

"You know what," said Envy mischievously, "I think I was thrown into the slammer once for molesting someone in their sleep."

Edward backed away. "Wh-Wh-What?" stammered the boy.

"Yeah, the kid was being _nosey_ and I thought I'd_ teach him a lesson_."

The young alchemist continued to back away from the Sin, now fearing for his safety. "I-I ..." he started.

"Just kidding!" sang the Sin, hopping up from his seat and skipping off to the kitchen once more.

Edward held a hand to his chest, feeling only slightly relieved. "I don't know if I should laugh or cry ..." he muttered to himself. "That man is just _too_ weird ..."

"Hey, Edo-kun?" asked Envy loudly, popping his head around the corner of the divide.

Edward glared at the Sin. "What now?" he growled.

"I think I just killed the little man."

Edward blinked at Envy, perplexed. "Little ... Man?"

"Yeah, the one from the cell phone."

"Er, how'd you ...?"

"He was suntanning in the toaster."

"..."

Envy giggled at the look on Edwards face. "I don't suppose this would be a good time to bring up the fact that we also need to replace the toaster."

Edward bellowed angrily at the top of his lungs, lunging at the Sin's throat. Envy easily dodged the flying blond pinto bean and giggled once more. "Now, now Edo-kun, does someone need a _spanking_?"

Knowing just how loaded the comment was, Edward immediately halted his angry tirade. _Great,_ thought Ed,_ more to worry about ..._


	3. Chapter 3: The Bed

A/N: Well, this chapter originally had an idea behind it, but in the time my brother and I argued over it, typed out the name and went on the other chapters, we had forgotten what it was. So, judging by the chapter title (and the ones after it) I give you chapter three. And guess what? It's longish!

FMA has become, officially, one of my unhealthy obsessions. I have a map of Amestris for my desktop picture, one that I went to great lengths to find. That, and I think I know exactly where Amestris is on a modern-day-map. (Hint: The Great Desert is the Gobi Desert). Anyone who wants to know my theories, message me and I'll try to explain my muddled thoughts.

Disclaimers: Arakawa-sensei owns Edward and Envy and all those other guys, and my brother owns most of the story-plot. Not that there's much of a plot to begin with.

---

Chapter Three: The Bed

---

It was common knowledge that when Envy wanted something, he would go out of his way to get it. If the Sin decided that meat was evil, it was evil and Edward wasn't allowed to eat it anymore. If Envy decided that his bed was uncomfortable, Edward had to share. If he wanted free cable, he stole it.

Having someone like Envy living with you was more than a little tiresome.

---

Edward shrugged off his coat and kicked off his boots. He knew just how much Envy hated him doing it, so he did it all the more often. It secretly made Edward happy to see Envy fly off the handle because of something he did. "I'm home," called the blond boy as he sauntered into the living room, where Envy was sitting on the couch.

With his legs using the coffee table as a stool.

Edward was about to politely ask Envy to move his feet - A.K.A., shove them out of the way - when the emerald haired one said, "I broke my bed." He grinned at the stupified look Edward gave him.

"How did you break your_ bed_?"

Envy shrugged and went back to watching his stolen cable. Edward sighed and sat on the floor, pushing Envy's bed problem from his mind, nonchalantly moving the Sin's feet away from him as he pulled open his backpack. He glared at his homework vehemently as Envy put his legs back where he had them.

It was going to be a long evening.

---

Edward snapped shut his thick textbook with a satisfied sigh. "What time is it?" asked the boy. When he received no answer, he stretched and stood, glancing at the clock. It read ten minutes past seven. "Ugh, I have to make dinner ..." he muttered.

With another languid stretch, Edward sauntered to the kitchenette and pulled open the fridge. It was literally empty. "Envy! Stop eating all the food!"

Edward waited for a reply, but, again, received none. Angrily, the blond stomped from the small kitchenette to Envy's partly-open door and with a snarl he kicked it open, where, to his surprise, Envy was not. Instead of the palm tree, Edward's eyes came to rest on the shattered bed that stood like an ornament in the center of the room. With his golden eyes wide in disbelief, Edward yanked shut the door and sank to the floor. "How in the world can someone _shatter_ their bed?" muttered the blond, holding his head. It felt like all the energy had been drained from him just to see the bed. Instead of walking, Edward crawled to the couch, where he stretched out and listened to the ticking of the clock.

It was the slam of a door that woke Edward. He sat up with a jerk, scrambling from the couch and looking around the apartment. When his eyes came to rest on the emerald-haired Sin, they narrowed suspiciously.

"Can you gimme a little help?" asked the sin, juggling two large bags stuffed full of what looked like groceries. When the blond only gaped at him, he snapped, "_now,_ shorty! before I drop this stuff!"

Edward glared hatefully. However, the blond complied and relieved the Sin of the two large bags while he was occupied with shrugging off his jacket. An exasperated sigh escaped Edward as he set the bags down on the counters, just in time to have two strong arms wrap around his waist from behind.

"Don't touch me," growled Edward, trying to pry Envy's arms from around his waist. When he felt the Sin's warm breath on his shoulder, he bit his tongue in surprise.

Envy chuckled and released the boy from his grip, moving to put the groceries away. "So, what were you up to while I was out?"

The blond didn't respond, opting instead to glare pointedly at the other. What Envy returned the hostile look with one of genuine curiosity, Edward spat, "How did you manage to so _utterly_ destroy your bed?"

"Ah," said Envy in mock guilt. "You saw that?"

"Of course I did! Because _someone_ ate all our food and then disappeared!" Edward knew he wasn't making perfect sense, but didn't care. Angrily, the blond began to put the groceries where they belonged. He didn't expect the conversation to last. They never did with Envy.

However, to Edward's eternal surprise, the Sin not only began to help unpack the groceries, but he offered an explanation about how his bed became so broken. "I had a nightmare this morning," he explained, "sometime after you'd left for classes." Being helpful for once, Envy crumpled up the plastic bags and stuffed them into the drawer under the sink. "I woke up after I had punched the frame."

_Geez,_ thought Edward as he slammed the fridge door shut, _if he does that in his _sleep_, he must be going easy on me ... Note to self: don't piss that guy off._

With a sigh, the blond pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do you want me to make dinner?" he asked in a level voice.

Envy was clearly surprised. "Even after I broke the bed and ate all the groceries and left you alone and broke the toaster and--" Envy was cut off with a sharp glare. "Only if you want to, Edo-kun."

Another exasperated sigh escaped the boy. "Well, do you or do you not want me to make you dinner?" He was practically shouting by the end of his sentence.

"Well, I guess not. I think I'll just crawl into bed for tonight." Envy looked slightly dejected, even with his grin. "G'night Edward." With that, the Sin turned and ambled toward the couch.

Without really thinking, Edward called, "You can have my bed for tonight." With a soft groan as the Sin cheered loudly, he added, "but _only_ for _tonight_."

---

When the blond was finished drying his single dish, he'd eaten a quick dinner after he'd bid Envy a good night, he wearily dragged his half-asleep carcass to the couch. Where he found no bedding what-so-ever. With a shrug, Edward flopped down on the couch, content to sleep without any pillows or blankets. However, when he awoke two hours later, he was puzzled to find that he was in his own bed and comfortably snuggled up to a very large Envy-shaped pillow.

When he came to realize that the Envy-shaped pillow wasn't a pillow at all, he screamed.

"What in the _world_ are you doing?" asked Envy, sitting up and glaring sleepily at the blond, who had placed himself on the floor.

"H-How did I get here?" asked Edward, gulping in large amounts of air to keep from hyperventilating.

Envy shrugged. "I carried you. It didn't look very comfortable to sleep on the couch, and you were shivering, so I assumed you were cold." The Sin pouted. "Why? Did I do something wrong?"

"Augh," groaned Edward, "just leave me alone." Then, the blond attempted to curl up on the floor, being too tired to crawl anywhere else. Edward, though weary, promptly fell into a fitful and restless sleep.

---

As the sun arose the next morning, Edward found himself, yet again, curled up against the emerald-haired one. Instead of freaking out like before, the blond dragged himself from bed and got dressed. After all, he had classes to attend.

All throughout the day, Edward thought about the situation he was in. Envy obviously had, one, no bed, two, issues about sleeping alone in someone else's room, and, three, no job to pay for a new bed. And Edward had no extra money to pay for a new bed.

_I don't understand why Envy won't just sleep on the mattresses. It's not like he really uses the bed that much,_ thought Edward as he sauntered down the streets of Central City. _Unless he sleeps all day._

When the boy reached his destination, a high-rise apartment building along the crowded main street, he sighed dejectedly. He was _not_ looking forward to seeing Envy again, but he really had no choice if he wanted to go home.

Edward purposely drew out each and every step he took, opting today to skip the elevator in order to walk up fourteen flights of stairs to reach the seventh floor. When he finally reached his destination, he hesitated before unlocking the door. As he poked his head inside, his ears were greeted with the sound of running water.

_Good,_ thought Edward,_ he's in the shower. I can at least have a few more minutes of repose from his ... antics._

The blond peeked into Envy's room, not knowing what to expect. what he met with, was a new bed frame, not at all shattered, with his old box spring and mattress off to the side.

Edward was far too amazed for words. So, instead, he sat on the couch and stared out the window.

When the water finally stopped running, Edward turned his head just in time to see the Sin saunter casually out of the bathroom, wearing a towel around his waist with another draped over his head. As he stood in the middle of the room, Edward scoweled. _How many times have I told him not to walk around like that? He'll give some poor girl a heart attack one day doing that._

Quickly, Envy towelled his hair dry, then tossed the wet, not-so-fluffy-anymore-towel back into the bathroom. When he spotted Edward, he smiled coyly. "You're staring, Edo-kun. D'you like what you see?"

The scowl on the boy's face suddenly turned into a look of disgust. "You _wish_," growled the boy.

"Now that you're home, Edward, I have a few things I to tell you."

"You got a new bed frame."

"Yup, that's one. Wanna know the second?" A cruel smirk played upon the Sin's lips.

"You won't be stealing my bed anymore? You won't kidnap me in the middle of the night? You're moving out?"

Envy shook his head. "Nah, not yet. I like sleeping beside you, so," he let his sentence dangle in the air like an invisible knife.

Edward groaned. "Envy, _please_--"

"Shush, I'm not done!" snapped the Sin angrily. "While you were out, I decided something." The emerald-haired one grinned evilly. "You're going to AA, Edward."


	4. Chapter 4: AA

A/N: Oh my gosh, guess who I got a hug from at Otafest. Yup, ENVY! (And not the one in my head!) I also saw some other awesome FMA cosplayers, and one of my friends went as Lust. I didn't see my favorite cousin there, so that made me sad, but I got to hang out with Kanda and Allen from D.Gray Man and Near from Death Note, and I rode the bus with L, also from Death note, and a Yuki Cross (of course of which anime was from has completely escaped me), which was totally awesome.

Sorry for the long wait for an update. I've been so tired and worn down, and now it's almost time for finals and I'm getting really stressed out. Also, I'm working on a final project for World Religions that's killing me for creativity. Literally. I have to get a manga done on all the religion's we've learned about this year, and I only have two more weeks left (since I wrote this note)

Disclaimers: Arakawa-sensei owns Edward and Envy and all those other guys, and my brother owns most of the story-plot. Not that there's much of a plot to begin with.

--

Chapter Four: AA

--

"WHAT!?" roared the blond. "You can't just _decide_ these things, Envy!"

"Yes I can. I already signed you up, so you _are_ going."

You could practically see the steam blowing out Edward's ears as he stomped and raged and begged and argued with the Sin to change his mind. Of course, Envy was completely steadfast and immovable and refused to let up on the poor young blond.

And so, that's how Edward wound up practically tied to a chair with fourteen other AA members.

"Envy, can't you just _untie_me?" whined the blond as others began to pick their own chairs. Most others, including the lanky old man with a pink and yellow mohawk with a bajillion different piercings, took chairs that were halfway across the room. Edward felt a blush heating his cheeks and wished desperately that he hadn't agreed to letting the emerald-haired psychopath live with him.

"Nope." The thick ends of Envy's hair tickled Ed's shoulder as the Sin rested his chin on the young boy's head.

"Damnit Envy!" snarled Ed, "Can't you cut me a break once and a while?" A shrug from the Sin only made Ed more angry. Then a thought made Edward pause. "How did you get the money to pay for this?"

"I got it from you."

Edward began to thrash about in his chair, screaming profanities and curses at the sin behind him. When he was all out of rude English vocabulary, he began another round in all the other languages he knew. Which, admittedly, wasn't that many. Finally, exhausted and out of words, Edward gave up. He glanced around the now full room to see that every eye was on him.

"Are you done?" Asked a rather large woman. She wore a nametag that said, 'Hello, I am your instructor, MEGHAN WEEBS'

With a weak nod, Edward groaned. He hoped that he hadn't made a bad impression ...

"Well, we'll start then. Welcome to AA. Lets start by going around the room and sharing our a little about ourselves and our reasons for being here." The woman eyed Edward evilly. "Lets start with you, Mr. Anger-Management."

Edward groaned again, but sat up, dislodging Envy. "My name's Edward Elric. I'm a college student, currently paying for rent and food for both me and this jackass behind me. The reason I'm here is because the palm tree _forced_ me to come, in case you hadn't noticed the whole tied-to-the-chair thing."

A couple people sniggered, a few subtly shifted away from the Edward and Envy, and others sat forward in their chairs, intrigued. Meghan Weebs nodded in approval, even though she frowned at Ed's description of Envy, then asked the person to Ed's left to speak next.

The man, heavy set and strong-looking, stood. "I'm Hardy Bearspaw," the man grunted. "Unless you cannot tell, I'm Ishballan. I'm here because I need help. Badly. See, I grew up in a traditional home, learning about the religion of my people. But, when I reached high school, I took an interest in alchemy. It's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. Now, I can't even fix the most simple things without using alchemy." Hardy sniffled and wiped his eyes. "I'm hoping I can rediscover a better way to live." Then, finished, he sat down.

"Wait," interjected Edward before the next person could speak. "This isn't Alcoholics Anonymous?"

Many people frowned, and Meghan Weebs cocked her head to the side with a sickly sweet smile. "Of course not," she crooned. "This is _Alchemists _Anonymous, silly!"

--

"See, that wasn't so bad!" Envy slung his arm over Ed's shoulder, who shrugged it off.

"I'm not speaking to you," growled Edward angrily. He stomped ahead of the emerald-haired man. With a sharp left, Edward attempted to put a little distance between him and the object of his anger. When Envy fell back into step beside the young alchemist, Edward came to a dead stop. "Why are you here?" he asked.

A frown tugged at the corners of the Sin's mouth. "Because I want to be around you." The Sin sighed, not understanding why Edward was so angry with him.

"Not that," growled Edward. "I _meant_, why are you living with _me _instead of with someone _else_?"

"Oh," said Envy. He shrugged and went ahead of Edward, folding his arms behind his head and walking while looking at the sky. Edward quickly trotted to keep up with Envy as he strode down the street, seemingly upset at the question. By the time the pair had reached their apartment, neither had spoken, the sky had begun to sprinkle rain on their heads. Once inside the building and alone on an elevator to be taken up to their floor, Envy broke the silence. "There are two reasons for your answer," said the emerald-haired man. "If you still want to know why I'm living with you."

"Er, yeah. I do," replied Edward awkwardly. The elevator came to a halt on their floor and the doors pulled open, revealing several people wanting to go somewhere else. Envy didn't finish replying until they were safely back inside their two-person suite.

"Edward, do you know my situation with Father and the others?" The blond boy frowned, shrugging, not quite understanding what Envy was trying to tell him. With a sigh, the emerald-haired boy sank into the couch. "I take that as a 'not really,' then." Envy waited for Edward to sit before proceeding. "You know how Father had two lives, right? Well, since I was part of one family, and you were a part of the other, I got really jealous when I found out. I wanted, more than anything, to just get rid of you, to have Father all to myself. I was a big prick when I was younger, I'll admit that."

"You still are," growled Edward, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from the Sin.

With a glare, Envy mostly ignored the comment. "_But_, when Father left our family to live with yours, and my Mom got sick, I decided that I would live on my own. For a while it was okay. Well, not really. I lived in a really crappy house with several other people and I had to run a little drug ring in order to pay for my room." The Sin tilted his head at an uncanny angle, eliciting a loud cracking noise. This caused Edward to twitch in annoyance, but the Sin went ahead and did it to the other side of his neck. Then, he proceeded to pop all his knuckles. He grinned at the blond while he did this. "Needless to say, I've been through a lot, Edo-kun."

"Yeah, you have," admitted the blond boy. "But that still doesn't explain why you're living with me and not one of your other relatives."

"Honestly, I wanted to get closer to Father. And I thought that getting closer to you would help me do that. Besides, I'd heard that you had a temper on you that was close to my own. In short, I thought that you'd be fun to be around." Envy grinned sheepishly at Edward. "And you are."

Clearly embarrassed, Edward mumbled something about unfinished homework, then dashed off to his room. Maybe AA wasn't so bad after all.


End file.
